Well, I've officially been blogging for a year! I think I have about 3 readers. That's fine, honestly. I just appreciate the fact that I've been able to stick it out. Why? I really don't know. It's not driving any sort of direct revenue... it's just a log. One woman's journey from full time toxic employment to self-employment and beyond. I don't really have any life-changing answers right now. Most weeks still feel really difficult, truthfully. Managing my stress, anxiety, and depression have become more important than ever... and we're still in the midst of this pandemic.
BUT! This morning I was able to schedule a vaccine appointment for next Monday! It's happenninggggnnggggg. I can't wait to meet friends at a bar again.
It's funny, I'm still really internally judgy when I see people dining with friends indoors—but perhaps these people are vaccinated... more than half of the country has at least one shot now according to the news report I got in my email this morning. Maybe I need to start releasing some of that judgement.
This post is somewhat disjointed. They always are. This blog is a stream of consciousness. That's the way I write. I've considered feeling bad about this; like I should be editing more intentionally given the fact that I've been doing this for a year but I really don't care to. This is the most honest version of this narrative. It's raw, confusing, and spirited: just like this process.
Some thoughts on last week's post:
I had a lot of hope that things would feel miraculously perfect as a result of moving into a new space and unpacking within 48 hours. I was wrong. The truth is that all of the burnout, stress, anxiety, and apathy just followed me here. That plus the physical exhaustion of having moved the previous week, I was SO tired. I took several midday naps. That's unheard of.
This resulted in my feeling really disappointed and defeated on Friday.
"When am I going to feel motivated again? When am I going to muster the energy to do all of the crap I feel like I need or want to do? When am I going to feel like I'm able to produce the amount of work I felt like I was previously able to produce?"
It was a lot.
So I did virtually nothing over the weekend. I took another nap, hung some pictures (read: Josh hung some pictures for me and I handed him stuff + tuned my guitar), went for a run, etc. I didn't even do laundry. This was good, I think. Today, I still feel tired and unmotivated but I'm a little more calm. I realize that my productivity is not going to make a miraculous comeback as a result of sitting my ass in a different room. I acknowledge the fact that I was reasonably productive on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday of last week and that that is in fact an improvement. I am impatient. I know this about myself. I'm working on it.
This week, I'm going to try to be a little more rigid and a little less perfectionistic with my schedule. This looks like:
- Having a different schedule each day to accommodate the different things I have to do over the course of the week;
- Planning that schedule morning-of to make sure there are as few last minute diversions as possible;
- Understanding that there is no "perfect" work schedule so taking a few hours to do something non-work related in the middle of the day is actually fine;
- Intentionally planning time for "work" and sticking to it when that time comes.
Truthfully, this intimidates me. I've lost confidence in my ability to do what I say I'm going to do lately. It's like there is one future-looking version of me who plans these great strategies and another present version of me who is a complete contrarian. And I've been feeling pretty powerless when it comes to taming the contrarian.
We'll see what happens this week, I guess.