Now that I've identified my weekly pattern and called it by name (Bart), I watch it play out like a TV character. "Aww, look at Thursday go. What a cute little shit show." Thursday is the Bojack Horseman of my existence.
Last week's experiment paid off; I'm really liking the weekly master to-do list. I even rewarded myself with some new pens (pictured). Lol, like I need a reason to buy new pens. I'm not sure if I'm actually getting more done because of this organization method or if I just feel like I'm getting more done because of it, but I guess it doesn't really matter. How it feels is the most important part, really. I have alllllmost reached the point in my day job where my workload is manageable. For once, I see a light at the end of an admittedly very long tunnel. But it's there. A teeny, tiny beacon of light that says, "You know what, your life could possibly look a little less stressful in the nearish future." What even is this life? I'll believe it when I see it. For now, it's still up to me to crank through things as fast as possible to give that idea a fighting chance.
As such, C&B slowed this week and that's ok. I even started watching a new Netflix show. These three things alone (progress against my day job projects, less C&B obligations, and a new Netflix show) improved my quality of life over the last week by a silly amount.
Small changes are more impactful than we think, friends.
For a very long time, I've wanted to be a morning person. I admire morning people for their ability to get important things done before I'm even awake on a normal day. I like this idea of getting priorities out of the way early so that the rest of the day is just bonus time. How freeing must this feel?! Trouble is, I have been an aggressive night owl for my entire adult life. Chronotypes are a real phenomenon, supposedly, as dictated by many a psychologist, including one that I know personally. People have a natural inclination to be early risers or late-to-bed-ers. I get this. And I go back and forth about whether I want to accept my night owlness or fight against it. The fact that I keep coming back to it means that it's probably worth pursuing. It's just really hard to do. Today, for instance, I set my alarm for 6 and ended up waking up at about 6:45. Not terrible. Not ideal. I've become adept at waking up early enough on Monday mornings to write this blog. This is good!
My dream, were I to write it out, would be to get to a point where I'm waking up between 5:30 and 6. I'd start my day with some kind of exercise and then move on to an hour of art or C&B business prep; giving me a small win before the day job hits. Eight-to-nine hours of high intensity work takes a toll. I never really know what kind of energy I'm going to have coming out of that. So the best way to ensure that I get something else done is to do it first. We'll see how this goes. I tried to become a morning person for the entirety of last year. It was my new year's resolution. I actively worked on it; I really did. By the time I hit mid-December, I had a "why am I trying to be something I'm not?!" moment and gave up on it.
However, my motivation to do this is intrinsic. I don't need external validation for this so the "why am I trying to be something I'm not?!" argument loses validity. I'm trying because this is something I want to do, that's why. My hypothesis is that it will reduce my anxiety. I think that if I am able to do a workout + some art/business before I begin my day, I'm going to feel so much more in control of my life. The quiet time I get by staying up late will be replaced by the quiet time I get for waking up early and I'll even be rewarded by a bonus sunrise. There are so many reasons to make this happen. I just have to do it.
My downfall is sleep. I have a really hard time falling asleep at night. Before you bombard me with a thousand ways to fix this problem, let me assure you that I've read about and tried them all. The best way for me to fall asleep earlier is for me to feel like I've accomplished "enough" that day. My anxiety and my productivity go hand in hand. Feeling productive makes me feel less anxious. There is that idea again. I always do a lot of shit. I'm constantly doing shit. The trouble is when I feel like I've "done nothing." Why do I feel this way? Usually, it's because I've avoided a priority in favor of a thousand smaller things. Ok so how do I stop avoiding priorities? Do them first. A ha. Full circle. With work, that's not always possible because of meetings. With C&B, I make my own time. If I want to wake up early and get something done before 9am, that is entirely within my control.
Time for coffee.